How Soon is Too Soon to Move in Together? 4 Ways to Start the Discussion.

Edwin Serrano photography

This is a topic that I have been exploring for years. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. Even though there have been periods in our relationship where we spend days at a time together, we've both felt that moving in together is something for the "later" category of our lives. "Let's let future Kate and future Jeff decide on that one".

I also know that for a lot of people, there are environmental, social, cultural and situational reasons that influence your decisions. You may feel rushed to move in together, or it just makes sense to move in together and not think too much about it because, hey, you already pretty much spend every minute together anyway.

Moving in with anyone requires planning, mutual understandings, and ground rules. You have to--have to--have a discussion about it. Here are some things to get the conversation started.

This is not a simple decision! One thing is for sure; I don't believe that just because you spend everyday together, it means that you should just move in together without having a real talk about it. But before you talk about it, figure out what it means to you. Do you think it's just a way to get closer to your partner? What "step" in a relationship is it to you? Do you think it's a step towards marriage? Do you think it's a test-run of getting married? Does it have anything to do with getting married? What expectations would you have of your partner?

Chances are, it will change the way your family views your relationship; which is a big step in the relationship.  I've always met parents that believed that moving in together was a huge step (probably because it is?). Most that I've encountered thought that it was something for after marriage. If you're shaking your head and saying "No, it's not a big deal," it really is. If moving in together isn't that big of a deal, than what steps are you missing to being married? A slip of paper? A joint checking account? A wedding album? Chances are, you're missing close to nothing. It's a commitment. To sum it up, you need to ask yourself one major question first. Can you relationship bear the weight of this new commitment to each other? This one has surprised me. I thought that I got my values of relationships and my "steps" from my parents. Not true. To me, moving in was something you do when you want to get married to your partner, but may need to wait for careers to catch up, get a good financial standing, or whatever might be in your way to getting married right then and there. It's when, in your head, you've already made the decision to marry that person. To my mom, it was something you do only after you get married. But, whether or not it means something huge and spectacular to you and your partner, chances are, it will mean something to your parents.

Are you two just moving in to save money? The fact of the matter is, moving in to save money and not because you want to start a life with your partner is no way to go about it. You'll end up putting a strain on the relationship that shouldn't be there, especially if the relationship is new. I've met more than my fair share of men and women who moved in because it "made sense" and because they needed to "save money", and it ended up getting awkward real fast. I knew a guy who moved in with his girlfriend he had been with for 6 months and was madly in love with. It just made sense for her to move in because he needed to save money on rent. They ended up breaking up 3 months into it, and she started dating other guys while they still lived together. What a nightmare!

Talk about expectations. The best piece of advice I ever got from someone was to talk to your partner about what their expectations are of you and your relationship are before you take it to the next level (this applies to marriage as well as moving in together). What if he thinks that moving in together means that you're the one that cleans? What if you don't agree who should put their stuff where (this generally applies to a situation where one partner moves in to another partners place, rather than getting a new place together)? What if she thinks this means you need to buy her an engagement ring in the next few months? What if the rules of sex, life, and fights change?

The one thing I want you to take away from this is that this is a big decision, and this is something the two of you need to talk about before rushing in. It's a big and exciting step in any relationship. Just make sure the two of you are on the same page, that you lay out some ground rules, and that you have a plan for if things go sour (I know, that part is definitely not fun, but it will make both of you relax after you have that awkward conversation).